Progressive Christmas Carols



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    God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
    We wish you happy holidays, whoever you may be
    So merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, or heck all three
    We’ve modernized these jingles for the massive bourgeoisie
    Love, The Updated Christmas Carol Team

    Santa Clause is Coming to Town
    You better not judge, you better not hate
    Better not bully or discriminate
    Progressive Santa’s coming to town
    He’s making a list of gluten free foods
    He won’t take a peek at J-Law’s nudes
    Progressive Santa’s coming to town
    He’s 50 different races
    And all for tax reform
    He’ll protect all your children
    Well, as long as they’ve been born

    Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
    Rudolph the red nosed reindeer (reindeer)
    Had an advantageous nose (he outlived his friends)
    He passed his bright red traits on (traits on)
    Darwin said that’s how it goes (evolution’s not a theory)

    Mary Did You Know
    Mary did you know that your baby boy supports the NRA
    Mary did you know that your baby boy is white

    Deck the Halls
    Deck the halls with kujichagulia
    Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza
    Give zawadi, hang benderas
    Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza
    Throw your hands up in the air-uh
    Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza

    You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
    You’re a green one, Mr. Grinch
    You’re lacking in finesse
    That greenish epidermis determines your success
    Mr. Grinch
    Racist Whos constrain you to the issues they continue to suppress
    You’re an outlier, Mr. Grinch
    You give the Whos a fright
    They say your heart is 3/5ths normal,
    You’re either wrong or white
    Mr. Grinch
    Don’t walk the streets of Whoville you might fight a cop the Whos will not indict

    White Christmas
    I’m dreaming of a racially ambiguous holiday

    Away In A Manger
    Away in a manger with Jesus and crew
    His schmeckle got cut cause hey Christ was a Jew

    O Holy Night
    O holy night, the stars are brightly shining
    It is the night Jesus did something holy
    Joseph watched golf, his leather chair reclining
    As Mary birthed a child, I think a donkey was involved
    Three wise men came, with GPS they found him
    Christ lied in a barn, as his omniscient baby-daddy looked down
    Jesus crawled on his knees
    His mom shared it on snapchat
    O bright device!
    O night, when Christ celebrated Christmas


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